Plenty of fish in the sea. This phrase is often used when someone is feeling rejected from someone they wish they could be with. Your girlfriend gets dumped and there you go on saying, “There are plenty more fish in the sea.” I personally hate this phrase. I get that we live in a large world and maybe there isn’t such a thing as a soulmate and you can have many loves, but the more and more I think about this quote, I begin to think there really aren’t that many fish in the sea of perfect specimens.

I live in Los Angeles which means that my “Sea of Fish” has been restricted to the L.A. County. In 2012, L.A. had a population of 9,818,605. You may look at that number and say to yourself, “Sure, that is doable — I can totally find someone!” I have taken it upon myself to show you how many fish are really in this sea of L.A.

51% of the population is female and since I’m 100% into men, let’s first take the ladies out. 4,811,117 Men in the Los Angeles County. Considering the fact that I’m not into robbing the cradle or into really old men, I’m going to say my fish is in the ages of 20-35.  A lot of L.A. is populated with young adults, so we can just call it in the middle. That brings us to 2,405,558 men who are in my age range. Now I didn’t go to a highly educational school system, so unfortunately I don’t know another language and 47% of L.A. don’t speak English. Shocking? Not really… 1,202,779 fish in the sea.

I don’t want to seem like I’m a picky person or shallow, but a girl has to have some standards, right? The next few calculations may come across as so. I’m just a girl who has a good sense of what I like and what I want in a man. L.A. has a highly populated gay community, so lets take out the 50% of the men who clearly would vomit if they had to touch my body. OK, so there are 601,389 men who may be interested in me, but will I be interested in them?

I need a guy who has his shit together. I can’t be dating an actor or musician because that means they’re typically a server in some restaurant. Since I’ve been there and definitely done that, it’s a no-go situation. Not that I’m against it, but I don’t want to be part of it anymore. Let’s just go ahead and take out all the restaurant staff.

Now we’re down to 300,694 men, but 80% of those men are suffering from Douche Bag Syndrome (DBS) — back to the chopping block boys! 60,139 with 20% who are shorter than me and I like my heels too much to say goodbye to them. 48,112 with 40% that my parents would for sure not approve of and for some reason I like to worry my parents, so I’m going to take out the 60% of men my parents WOULD approve of. 19,245 fish and 20% of them still live with their parents and that’s just not going to work out for too long.

My studies show that 30% of the 15,396 are introverts and let’s face it — how am I really going to meet him if he’s a homebody. I’m not about to be Catfished online.  10,778 men with 80% of them into video games way to much.  I’m sorry, but if you’re over 25 and you play video games on a daily basis, your sex appeal is completely gone for me.

Wow, we are really getting down to the wire with only 2,156 fish in the sea. I’m most likely going to find only 30% of these men attractive, so that brings us down to 647 men.  And we’re most likely not going to have the same interests, so how will we even meet?  Let’s say that 20% of those men have at least one thing in common with me that the remaining 130 men may just meet me at work, a concert, the park, or a coffee shop that I happen to be at.

Take out about 50 guys from your Facebook ’cause Lord knows they have seen your depressing breakup status and that alone has turned them away from you. Take out 20 more for the ones who smoke weed because I just can’t have a stoner boyfriend. Also, take out the 20 guys in the L.A. County that you have already tried going on a date with in the past four years and are not to your liking. Finally, take out that one person that you cannot have, that one person who you will never seem to let go of. We all have that one person — they’re the reason everyone is even saying this phrase to you.

There are more fish in the sea. Correction.  39. There are 39 fish in the sea.